Opening My Vault

Maybe my nightly 3/4 glass of wine while blogging "just don't mix." But sometimes I relax and can see things just a tiny bit more clearly. It's totally psychological.
Anyway, today was loooong. I got up early in order to wash, dry and style my hair for my new Texas driver's license photo, which I have to live with for the next 6 years. I had to get the kids up, dressed, fed and out the door in time for Wendy's school day, which started at 9. Struggled with Wendy to get her hair pulled back in a cute 'do, wrestled with her to eat her honey toast and juice, sped-fed Linc, it was a whirlwind. Once she was settled into class with her school cargo on her back, I dashed off to the DPS for my driver's license. With Linc in tow. As you know, those places make you wait, and wait, and wait. So, on top of everything else I'd done early in the a.m, I'd packed water for Linc to keep him hydrated, snacks for him, his diaper bag, and TOYS along with my social security card, birth certificates, registration, inspection report, WA license, insurance, yadda yadda yadda. I pulled number 91. Number 77 stayed on the screen for--------------30 minutes. Wendy's school is from 9-1:30. I was starting to feel concerned. Blessedly, a woman in uniform ushered me ahead in line, along with two couples each struggling to manage their baby girls. Linc was absolutely agreeable, I might add, as per usual . And by the way, the comments I receive all the time are 1) that he's BIG and 2) that he's quiet. Wendy, at this age was 1) a mighty fine boy, according to elderly gentlemen and 2) very verbal. Okay, anyway, after all the documents were processed and my pic was taken, t'was time to pay. I offered my card. OOPS! Cash or check only. No ATM in the building. WHAT?! Argh..You see, getting all those other documents proved time and time again to be that never-ending, CRAZY saga of "We don't accept that as proof of identity," "We can't give you THIS piece of paper until you get THIS piece of paper," etc, etc, etc. SO! Back into the hot-as-Hades car with Linc and out again for the Exxon's ATM, and back in again, and back out again to finish the job. License will arrive in 4-5 weeks. It has been months of standing in lines only to walk out with nothing in hand because something was missing. I mean it. TOUGH to get this accomplished! Well, I am so ecstatic that this is DONE!
Next on today's agenda: Pick Wendy up and take both kids to UPA for Wendy's 4-year shots. Y'all, she knew she was getting 'em. She's too old to lie to--or distract. She was all about it cuz I promised her an ICEE and Target toy afterwards, but as soon as the nurse came in, WOAH BUDDY! SCREAMING! LEGS A' KICKING! While holding her, she jerked her knee up and it hit my chin, and my teeth clicked so hard, I thought they'd break. Linc was crying cuz Sister, his beloved, aloof-towards-him (most of the time), sister was frantic! Three of us held her down while four shots stabbed her cute lil' 4-year-old thighs. She sat up and said, "It's okay now," with big ole crocodile tears in her eyes. She got a sticker and lolly. In the elevator, she pushed # 1 for us and # 2 for a lady and her daughter. Then she asked about the star next to # 1. She asked aloud, "IS THIS STAR BUTTON THE ALARM CLOCK?!" The lady exited laughing so hard she was crying. It was pretty funny. Especially with Wendy standing there with this ernest tear-streaked face, short play dress on and two Tazmanian Devil bandaids on her thighs.
After this ordeal, we all got back into the blazin' hot swagger wagon and headed to Target for her promised bravery treats. I noticed Linc's pink eye is now in his other, previously unaffected left eye. Ah, me. Thank GOODNESS I requested a refill on his ointment!!!!!!!
I got the kids inside our rental town home, told Wendy to tinkle----3 or 4 times, nursed Linc, who, by now, was ravenous yet never fussed, poor sweet thing, settled him down, and "tucked Wendy in" for her quiet play hour.
Now I sip my 3/4 glass of wine and examine myself and endeavor to search the will of God. I'm 32 in November. James is 35. Our plate is full with Wendy and Linc, especially cuz Wendy's highly spirited self is the equivalent of 2 kids. So, what's next? One more child? The reason this is such a hard decision, and I know, not one I have to make RIGHT NOW, but it does weigh on my mind, is because, unlike the two kiddos we've got, the third is the biggie question mark. Having two was a given, Lord permitting. I always desired 2-3. My pregnancies were brutal, health-wise. My kidney stone-production is in high-gear with each pregnancy. I was hospitalized with Linc and risked losing him. Every family member and friend who visited me in the hospital cautioned against another pregnancy. Still, most close to us advise against another. And, we have our girl and our boy, and praise the Lord, they're both healthy! And, as you can read above, days like today are hard with two. I ask myself now, before we let time fly by:
Can James and I afford three? Can James and I manage three? Will there be any time for each other after three? Will it undo us? We both like a measure of order, peace and quiet. Will we ever have that again if we add another baby? Do houses come with more than 4 bedrooms (one will have to serve as office and guest room.) Will my right kidney hang on for another agonizing stone-burdened pregnancy? What about my severe morning sickness, would it be too much to lean on our moms for child-care during those horrible 2-3 months? Could we afford day care for those months? It's SO MUCH MORE COMPLICATED, the third one. Everyone but me knows what to do. Everyone says, "You're good. You're done." I, however, don't necessarily disagree with everyone. The problem is....I am not sure yet. My question is WHEN does a mother KNOW she is done having children? Is it a decision she makes with which she LEARNS to become comfortable over time? Does she pursuade others whose feelings truly do matter, based on her heart? Or, does she use her head? I'm the first to admit that I get FRAZZLED, OFTEN with the two I've got. I thought before that I might wait until they're both in school full-time and then have our third. However, I'll be considerably older then and at risk. My mind tells me that if I am to have a third, by golly, it's got to get started some time between Linc's first birthday and his second. And I'm agonizing over this decision, believe it or not. So much is hinged on that third baby. I want to work when the kids are in school full-time. A third would push that back as well. Anyway, I know that my readers are Christians. I ask for your prayers re. this big choice, which is not mine alone to make. I pray that we won't make a choice we later regret, one way or the other. My mind and heart are on a fence. I want to know what to do so I can plan. I ask for your prayers. I love you all!
Okay, that's it. Vault closing now.