Saturday, July 11, 2009
My Hysterical Pregnancy
Reflecting today. On irony. When I conceived my Wendy, I was 124 lbs, and in that first horrendous trimester, lost about 15 lbs, widdling me down to a puney 109 lb. waif. BUT! I had me a belly! I showed. That round little bump jumped out off my emaciated, sickly frame, and there was no denying someone was a'comin.' So, what do I immediately imagine when at a hearty 140 lbs, which drastically altars the appearance of a shorty like me, I finally become pregnant after 5 self-stuffing months of trying? I think, "Woah. Hmmmm, women show sooner with second babies, I wasn't sick during my last pregnancy (which didn't work out), so if I just go up from here, I'm gonna have me a belly like a prize-winning melon!" I was actually quite looking forward to looking obviously pregnant again. That's fun! I did get sick, at around 6/7 weeks, did lose about 12 pounds, but have gained some back and am able to eat fine now once the morning sickness (which now is truly mostly in the mornings)abates. I'm 15 working on 16 weeks. I am a bit soft, but don't really look pregnant to most people. In California, I really wanted to look it, so I wore only legit maternity tops with empire waists, and sitting in the car long spells, eating a lot, digestion slowing considerably, I think I looked more pregnant then than I do now. What's really freaky to me is that I'm in my second trimester and folks tell me I DON'T LOOK PREGNANT! Conversations go like this, "Laurel! I hear you're expecting! How far along are you?" Eyes scanning me for evidence. "Umm, Christmas time. Yeah." "You don't LOOK pregnant." Then, I get this aweful feeling. I actually feel like I'm lying! I know, crazy, right?! I have heard of "hysterical pregnancy," which is when a woman believes she is pregnant and has some manifestations of the "condition," but truly, she isn't at all. It's a wishful thinking sort of psychosis. You know how when you are suspected of something, and you're innocent, you sometimes feel guilty and want to run away? Well, NOT that anyone doubts me (I acknowledge myself that when I wear my regular clothes (Yes, they still fit!), I look the same as I did back in March.) I have friends with the cutest, ROUNDEST protrusions, and they're each about a week ahead of me. What's going on with Kibble?!, I have asked myself! I saw the nurse about a week and a half ago to make sure everything was alright. She found the heart beat. 150. Felt the fundus. Was where it should be. Phew! Okay, so he/she's in there! Last Monday I saw my doctor and she, too, found that little heart a'beating away. Crazy thing is that there seems to be so little change on the outside. I find this so vexing! I keep thinking of the country song, "It's alright...to be itty bitty!", and how it applies to Kibble. I guess it just goes to show, that you cannot assume ANYTHING will be typical, even when it's you! Typical for you can change, I guess! I think I'll snatch a fake belly from Motherhood Maternity's dressing room and strap it on when I'm fixin' to see someone I haven't seen in a while. No, really, it's not upsetting to me now that I have been assured and reassured that all is well. It's just so WEIRD!!!!!! Isn't it?!??!?!?!?!?!? WEIRD.