Saturday, March 24, 2012

About a week ago, perhaps it was, I went in to hug and kiss Wendy a short while after I'd put her to bed. She always gives a certain speech that is reminiscent of my obsessive compulsive nature. Her speech goes something like this:
"Watch TV right outside my bedroom, and when you get up to get a drink, check on me, and when you get up to get something to eat, check on me, and when you go to the bathroom, first check on me, and on your way back to the living room, check on me then, too, and when I hear the alarm system ding because Daddy is coming or going, come and check on me, and (every other imaginable scenario, followed by 'check on me'"), and then she wraps it up with "so 'do' my whole speech plus anything I forgot to mention." This I am to execute until she is in deep sleep when at last, I have permission to go to bed. This anxiety is me down to the very last thorough detail. God bless her. ;0 But this is not my point. Here it is:
I go in to "check on her," and I hug and kiss her and tell her how much I love and enjoy her. She then said something that truly shook my core. She said, "Mommy, I love you more than not having my challenge. I love you more than NOT having diabetes." She doesn't even know the pain of the shots or pump yet, or how much more often we'll be pricking her finger, but in some ways, she is a mature soul. She does love tremendously, and her statement was so profoundly moving because a mother loves her child more than her own health. Why would my child express the reverse to me?
My eyes welled up with tears, and I was thankful for the darkened room. I let my hair hang in my face so as to obscure my reaction, and I just hugged her and kissed her soft, tiny shoulder. I left her room feeling such a determination to do all that is possible for her, whatever that may be.
I have prayed throughout my life for God to provide opportunities for me to be His instrument. God is glorified when we demonstrate Christ-like love, kindness, mercy, sacrifice, thankfulness and joy. I often struggle with the conviction that I don't do enough. I read about the rare hero who pulls unconscious people from burning vehicles, and how in that moment, God provides their determination, courage and impossible strength.
I know that our acts don't always look like that, though. Sometimes, it's in the more subtle things, that we help our fellow human beings. I don't know how He may make me a better person, ultimately, but I do pray for holiness, and when we do that, He is faithful to make it happen.
Now, I look to Him for how He will use me to help my child, who may soon need so very much. I can't take her disorder away though I've researched if I could give her that part of my pancreas that she needs, thereby making myself Type 1. She would then need anti-rejection drugs, and her body, as it is programmed, may likely destroy the new source of beta cells. I wish I could be her hero, and I am certain many parents have looked into this also. This is not a novel idea, I'm sure.
Years ago, I signed up to donate bone marrow, when a friend saved a man's life with his marrow. This man, given a new life through another's act of love and mercy, was able to continue his life with his wife and child, and his purpose on Earth. I have never been a match for anyone. But that interest was motivated by the potential.
We all have potential way beyond our recognition. It's the potential to help mankind in ways that leave a lasting impact. We have able bodies, sharp minds, convictions behind our voices, resources, and problem-solving abilities---think of our scientists and areas of research in need of their cerebral contribution.
I don't want to waste whatever potential I have. I focus now on my daughter and my family, but even so, I will prepare my fields for rain, and expect to become more holy, being pulled into action where God decides I fit.
God made all of you with a unique purpose in mind, and if you ask for action, I know He'll inspire you and deliver you to your purpose.
We were made to be dreamers. We were made to be ambitious. We were made to have hope. We were made in His image, and what else could this mean? I believe it means that there are blessings and that they come about when we avail ourselves to be used, and to receive His grace---all through prayer and living our lives at the ready.

1 comment:

Laura said...

Thank you for this post. It's amazing how God uses the tenderness of our children to touch our hearts.